Are words our friends?

I find myself having some serious digestive issues lately. After thinking it over and trying every natural remedy with which I am familiar, it dawned on me; maybe it is stress. I am very familiar with suffering physically in response to stress. I usually think that I'm dealing with stress just fine. In intense situations you can find me breathing and silently chanting my little optimistic affirmations about this too passing and my ability to pull through. But more often than not I'll come down with a headache later or my neck and shoulder area will ache really really really bad. Here lately, I am experiencing a bird of a totally different feather. After a long evening of dramatic conversation, my stomach seems to stop! Yep, it just stops. At first, I thought it was due to my overeating. . .okay, maybe that's part of it, but I truly believe that its a response to stress. Further, I think that I have a genuine aversion to too much talking. Thoughtful conversation is energy or at least it requires energy. Once I feel that the conversation has reached the edge of its usefulness or that too much energy (compared to its worth) has been expended on it, I have to move on. It's making me sick! Sick! Everyone knows me as a quiet person. Here's one of the reasons why. There is just too much pontification on worn-out issues going on. Dont get it twisted. I can listen to my beloved minister do his thing. I can join in on a community lecture. These things actually satisfy my soul. But when one person or one topic is drudged through the mud til there's just dry, bare bones where juicy meat used to be. . .let's drop it.
Now, the significance to my goddess quest: Imma hafta get over this. I believe that people are entitled to their opinions. Just because I'm not a big talker doesnt mean that I shouldnt give the talkers fair ground to do just so. Besides, I like to have Big Talkers in my close circle because I suck at it and they balance me. But at the same time, I shouldn't sit up and listen AT LENGTH to some sh*! I no longer want to hear. I'm thinking the solution (which is always the solution, by the way) is: open, honest, unashamed, forthright, strongwilled communication. And when that doesn't work I'll try unashamed, forthright, strongwilled subject switching. For my tummy in the meantime, I'll try to find a better weight gain strategy than eating 2.5 servings of grits for brunch (but please believe, I aint losing one inch of hip/booty/thigh meat!)
Holla!

love and honesty

I just finished watching a really great movie called "Bella". It involved tragedy, but it was so beautiful because the family was so loving. It was as if they could love each other through whatever. I come from a loving family. Most of my compadres tell me flat out that they WISH they were as close with their moms as I am with mine. Unfortunately, I never learned the art of flat out honesty. I have begun to dabble in it lately, but I usually end up pissing people off. My sister is good with it and it doesnt hurt when she does it. She is also tough enough to completely blow off insults and rude behavior without crying or losing her amazingly thorough kewl in public. I am trying to get there. Everything makes me cry (almost) and usually when someone hurts me and I let on that they've hurt me. . .or when I hurt someone else, the love is "lost". I want to get to the point where I can understand that shcrap happens. It does. And when it does, there doesnt have to be any love lost. I mean, let me just be all the way honest. I am soooooo mad and hurt by the actions and circumstances surrounding my first adult relationship, but I still love and even miss him a little. I want him to be doing alright. I want to. . .whatever. Anyway, my point is that I believe that on my quest to finding my inner goddess (more on that later) I have to learn to be all the way honest about my joys and pains and likes and dislikes and not be afraid of or led by my fear of loneliness. If we fall out, we can fix it. I am kinda impulsive (when I'm honest with my self) and if an impulse led me to snap at you the love can just as quickly lead me to apologize. Right?

Love Re(v)ellion

Here's a reprint from a previous blog 'o mine. Yes, this is blog plagiarism. . .but I own the rights so, "Boom!" Anyway, I think this is quite reflective of me and my inner goddess. Enjoy. Know me, Love me.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Who loves ya, babe?!


Got this in an email today from a friend (who will remain nameless):

"for real tho.. i cant wait until you get married, you are one of the most (if not, the most) lovey dovey, touchy feely, wear your heart on your sleeve, people that i know and i think i would just be in tears all day because you would be like, overflowing with joy and you are so fufilled by love and relationships... sorry on a tangent... "

This comes at a great time because I am sooooooo irritated today. I got a sinus headache that wont give (my mom is diagnosing me with an infection right this instant). Unfortunately, I dont think I can swing a co-pay and a prescription just yet. Anyway, let us focus on one central theme: I am fulfilled by love and relationships.(then)?(then)! I guess it's true. My new mental response to the well-intentioned who tell me that they arent ready for marriage and neither am I, is: I know what type of goddess I embody/represent/am and she is vulnerable. She draws strength from loving and serving. She doesn't feel that she is weakened by what may be referred to as "traditional feminine roles". But, she dislikes being used. Usery is a quick road to the *bleep* LIST. The confusion comes into play, however, when you live on the planet earth in 2008 where everyone is proving a point and riding a (dare I say) rollercoaster of emotions.

Oh yea, the point. My point is that I'm LOVEY DOVEY. I revel in it and I love being around people with whom I am comfortable enough to let it all hang out. I looked up the word "revel" and it seems to have some connection to "rebel". So, poop on he that would poop on me for being "too nice". This is me. It's my personal rebellion against angry, disgruntled, bad breath having, emotional nitwits.